I don’t know about you, but I have saved a substantial number of cards and letters over the years and I am so glad that I did. It is fascinating to look back and visit my “past lives.” I’ve also saved the pages I poured my feeling onto during the biggest changes in my life…dating, childbirth, divorce and relocations.

Throughout my 63 years of existence, I’ve been Debbie, Deb, Debi, Debo and Debra. When people ask me where I’m from, I hesitate. For, I’ve lived in Massachusetts, Hawaii, Panama, New York (Bay Ridge, Brooklyn under the Verrazano Bridge at Ft. Hamilton) Alexandria, Virginia, Herndon, Virginia, Scottsdale, Arizona, Waukesha, Wisconsin, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Matthews, North Carolina, Valrico, Florida and Palmetto, Florida.

One of the most unexpected changes in my life was when my husband of 19 years moved out of our NC home, leaving me and our three boys to discover a new way forward.

Here’s a poem I wrote back then. I find it relevant still and the words written by Debbie, a 42 year old homemaker/substitute teacher, provides me with courage. Courage to face the ongoing challenges to deal with the cancer that has become a permanent passenger on my life’s ride.

Acceptance

I cannot change what has happened, nor can he we must look to the future for what is to be a love dimmed so cannot be relit with only one partner doing her bit.

so accept and move forward don’t dwell on the whys try to survive the long tearful goodbyes

Goodbye to a marriage. Goodbye to our life. Goodbye to being somebody’s wife.

Move on to hellos, Greet the newness that waits. Trust in myself and trust in the fates

A stronger new person is waiting inside me, Adventures, experiences, I did not expect are happening whether I like it or not So I may as well greet them with all that I’ve got

I’ll carve out a new way of looking at me. Wife might be out but in its place who knows what can be

My new path scares me but on I must stride with 3 sons my family and friends at my side. To hold me up when I stumble and up if I fall. With love all around me I will learn to stand tall.

My cancer prognosis requires that stronger new person to be present – to embrace the roller coaster – to prepare and accept the twists and turns. So, up I go…..How strange it is up here where exhilaration and despair mix so easily. Sometimes from one minute to the next. The ride goes smoothy for quite awhile until a new plunge sinks me downward, spiraling in a seemingly uncontrollable way.

But this is the ride we are on my friends. Our lives are and will be comprised of ups and downs. All we can do is put on the safety harness and hang on tight.