Happy 10 months to Abigail. She is such a gift!

Of course, it is also the 10 month anniversary of my colon cancer diagnosis. I am less then thrilled that our dates align but it is what it is. The perfect demonstration of how our life stories are a balance of good and bad.

Last night was tough. My daytime pain was tolerable .. I could get around holding my aching tummy and settling down with my trusty heating pad. By 5 pm however, the pain was winning. The Tylenol and gummy I took struggled to make an impact. It short, last night’s pain was large and in charge.

How to describe it? Imagine your guts as a garden hose. The garden hose is one of the cheapo brands and kinks up at every opportunity. Here a kink, there a kink, everywhere a kink kink.

Without warning, one of the kinks begins to squeeze open. This motion causes a sharp “punch.” The punch is quickly followed by noisy and particularly painful gurgles as the un-kinking begins. The gurgles are not limited to one section of my digestive system. They rage from my upper stomach, rant on my right side and storm through my left side. Equal opportunity fuckers!

I don’t share this to elicit pity. Pain has become a major player in my story, the pain I am living with, pain is my nemesis. If this journal is to be an honest record of my journey, then pain must be acknowledged and accepted.

So what to do? Tylenol PM and more medical marijuana finally helped. While I waited for relief, I alternated lying on my sides or on my back. The kinks complained loudly but seemed to respond to each opportunity to reconfigure themselves.

Deep breathing helps. I imagine a spot just below my navel. I Breathe into that spot, filling my abdomen with air. Hold the air for 8-10 seconds, letting the air fill me from the abdomen up, then let it out through my mouth, as if deflating a balloon. Meanwhile, I am fighting the urge to cry. I tell myself that crying will only stuff my nose and return to my breathing.

Hans looked over at me just now as I struggled through a pang. “Can’t wait till Friday,” he said. Such a cuckoo life that the 2 of us look forward to a laparoscopy. I want to know what’s happening inside me. Get a peek at Flathead and the peritoneal cancer. Find out if there is a surgical solution. Assess and reassess based on what the surgeon can see.

Large questions loom. 1. Is there a surgical way forward 2. Are there any changes in Flathead? 3. Has the cancer in my stomach lining increased or decreased? We will take a look inside for answers on Friday.