I want to come clean about what the past week has been like physically. I certainly don’t want this journal to be just a repository of pain. On the other hand, the whole reason for my journal is to record my reality. So here’s the truth.

Last week I purposefully wrote my journal in the late afternoon — before the pain set in with ever increasing frequency. The mornings were still doable. My digestion worked while I slept, aided by nightly Tylenol PM and Colace, and I could function fairly normally.

The afternoons were a different story, and the evenings were worse. As my stomach filled up throughout the day and my digestive system engaged, I began having significant symptoms.

Strangely, these symptoms mimicked the ones I have during chemo. Increased neuropathy in my feet, tingling in my fingertips, thrush, and pain caused by cramps and gurgling. The kind of pain that makes me weep or cry out. Quite frankly, it’s exhausting.

But, I haven’t had chemo for almost 6 weeks. That worries me.

One of the phrases that Dr. Berry used sticks with me. He said “you know you’re doing well when you only have symptoms from the chemo but not the cancer.” I have used that phrase like a life raft and have been floating on top of the water until this week.

Quite frankly, I worry that my life raft has sprung a leak. Before I let this analogy go deeper ha ha I’ll drop it.

The question is whether my symptoms are being caused by an accumulation of chemo or are they caused by the cancer?

Tomorrow, when I go in for bloodwork, I will talk to either the doctor or his nurse to let them know that every afternoon and evening since Tuesday, I have had intense pain. This morning it began before I put the first morsel in my mouth.

With the pain comes fear.

Let’s face it, the concept of getting worse and staying worse and getting worse again is scary!

In the past month, I’ve enjoyed days where I felt almost normal…full of energy and free of pain. My body rallied for my wedding. It pulled together for my Suncoast alliance meeting. Since my diagnosis in April of last year, I’ve gotten better and it seemed like I was getting even better

But this week, I got worse. And it scares me.

I tell myself that I can look back in my journal and find multiple times when I’ve had the same fear. I remind myself that I can be strong and scared at the same time. That this, too, shall pass. That the future is still as unknown, and it’s likely filled with promise and possibilities. I will keep telling myself this…..

I will find a way through!

On the bright side, Bren and Claire brought Abby over for a few hours. I never tire of watching her react to the world