Having gotten through a pretty terrible day, I am appreciating how much better I feel. The tingling in my feet and hands is still present but the headache has dissipated. I may even get dressed today ….shock of shocks. The high today should be in the low 60s so I get to wear one my sweaters😃.
Last night, while I was feeling all kinds of pains, Hans sat with me in bed and rubbed my back while I rubbed my shoulders. It still feels strange to occupy such a bony body. As we rubbed my aches, we discussed the fact that there is no clear path forward. Fighting cancer is like walking blind in ithe woods, slowly feeling your ways through the light and the dark parts of the forest. One could make the point that all of our paths are unknown but I think when you face a terminal illness, life’s uncertainties become more intense. I certainly don’t remember cancer-free Debra or I guess cancer-ignorant Debra worrying about her future.
Of course, I am grateful for all the support I get from family and friends. As I have said many times, the love we share is invaluable and helps me to put one foot in front of the other. But, we don’t discuss my death.
For whatever reason, last night, being able to talk about the possibility of me dying sooner than later provided somewhat of a relief. Hans and I have come a long way together through this battle, through this dark forest. We are able to talk about certain possibilities and face the uncertain future united…for this I am so thankful. I’m not giving up but I am not willing to compromise my quality of life for quantity
I wrote the following song to Dr. Barry, sung to the tune of “Why Do You Build Me Up Buttercup Baby? As always, please sing along.
Treatment nine and then ten”you’ve told me over again
Then we break and do the CT scan (bah-dah-dah)
I’m doing quite poor I can’t take any more
It’s not you, it’s all the nasty drug
Doctor Berry try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A different treatment to make me feel better
(Hey, hey, hey!) Stuck at home
I moan and groan waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
I know you build me up (build me up) right Doctor Berry
Just to tear me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) the pain Doctor Berry
Makes me writhe in bed though I try to keep still
Cancer blows cancer blows I suppose you must know that
You’ve known all along from the start
So build me up (build me up) Chemo man and help me fart
My tongue has turned black I have pains in my back and what’s more
Neuropathy’s getting worse (bah-bah-bah)
What I need you to do is help me get through with less pain
That’s what I need and so (hey hey hey)
Doctor Berry try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A different treatment to make me feel better
(Hey, hey, hey!) Stuck at home
I moan and groan waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
Hans made me promise not to sing it to Dr. Barry. Firstly, he’s heard me sing. Secondly, he feels it is confrontational — blames Dr Berry. I don’t agree but I will play it by ear next time we meet with Doctor and report back.
Although I got dressed, I am now back in my pajamas in bed. Hans went to the grocery store to get our Thanksgiving turkey and a few other supplies. I was able to make myself some French toast and bathe the kitten but I think I’ve used up all my reserves for now.
Dying with Debra 
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