Last night, I sent over the reports from my chemo doctor to Dr Becky and Tom. .  To Hans  and me there seemed to be nothing new but I received this text..

How are you and Hans?  I know you two must be heartbroken and our hearts break along with you. I can’t find the words tonight. I am sending huge, gentle hugs. Please stay strong. We love you Debra and Hans.

My first thought was that Becky had read through the medical jargon and discovered additional bad news.  We touched base today and I asked her what made her react the way she did. Turns out it was the words I had underlined. 

Patients with colorectal cancer metastatic to the peritoneal are not candidates for cures. The intent is to maximize systemic treatment and surgery to help prolong overall survival.    

Seeing it in writing  somehow made it more real.  I try to remain positive and realistic.  One day at a time!  But tonight, i am not really ready to rally. Hans and I sit together as I cry, and he assures me that we will make the best of whatever time we have together.

In the interest of making good use of my day, I pack up my walker and Judith and I  go shopping for jeans to fit my new physique.  Trying on clothes while wearing a chemo Fannypack proved challenging, but I prevailed, bagging 3 pairs of jeans and a new shirt.  After shopping, we met Brenden and Baby Abby for lunch.  All in all, a nice day, but I am exhausted. 

Lunch at Seasons 52 

This evening, I am emotionally drained. Thinking about my death and unable to “snap out of it”…tears keep dripping down my face. Physically, I’m in a little pain and hoping that my meds will help ease the discomfort.   I think I’ll cuddle with the foster pups and see if it helps.