Although I know I have cancer, the staging of and treatment of the cancer remains unknown. Hans and I spend periodic times during the day holding hands, kissing and crying. I wonder how I will  react if it’s the worst news and I have less than six months to live.  My mind goes to practical matters like:

1. Should I sell my properties? 
2. I want to give away some my clothing and handbags and jewelry etc. 

The more Hans and I read, the more confused we are. Nevertheless, we know that knowledge is power and crave some sort of plan going forward. 

We visited Brenden and Claire and new baby Abigail last night. Claire’s parents were there and it was a nice moment of bonding over the excitement of this new little life. Brenden is determined that my grandma name is bubbie (we soon mutually decide on “Gamma,” I like the way Gamma goes with Starr).

I can see in our interactions how excited Brenden is to share Abigail’s life with me and it breaks my heart to know that I will have to tell him some very bad news soon.  I think the conversation with him will be the hardest. 

Meanwhile, I’ve only told my sister, Judith , best friend Bunny, and good friends Tom and Becky. Becky is a Doctor and is being her usual wonderful self and gathering resources and information for us. Today’s mission is to get in touch with Moffitt and see if we can move forward towards getting some further diagnostic tests like a biopsy or a colonoscopy. Meanwhile,Hans’ fellow rotarian and family friend,  Dr. Conard has graciously reached out to Hans’ primary care doctor, Dr. Kahini to try to get a local primary Doctor for me  who can coordinate all the stages that we’re going to go through locally. We’re kind of in a wait and see. It is hard.  The pizza that I ate last night kept me up with pain all night and now I’m not sure if I have regular pain or hunger pain. Hans is going off with Tom to Clearwater to bring back his boat and will be gone 8 to 9 hours. Better him than me 😄

Today, my mission is to take the five puppies that I have been caring for back to Nate’s Honor Rescue and tell them that I can no longer foster. I thought about whether or not to tell them the real reason with the big C word or just say it’s health problems, but I think I want them to know that it’s serious enough that I’m probably done with fostering. I also have to tell my dear friend and fellow animal activist, Sue Kolze, who I know will be as supportive as she always is.

I dropped off the puppies with Sue. She took the news just as I thought she would, in a very matter-of-fact we’ll get through it whatever you need type of attitude. She also told me about many friends of hers who have come through stage three and four cancer and are leading normal lives now. At Nate’s, I told Karissa, the vet tech, about what was happening and she hugged me and told me that she was a stage 4 breast cancer survivor. She assured me that she has many people, several of them working at Nate‘s, that have survived aggressive cancer. This gives me hope. When I told Hans about it, he said he could hear the change in my voice and that we can get through this shit time together. I will allow myself some Hope.